Wanting More: Happy and Mushy Thoughts on A Grey Cloud

I was watching this Toni Gonzaga (who plays the character, Moe) movie on local television (yes, I watch too…sometimes.), You Got Me. She worked as a local police woman in a police station (duh) with her Dad, who was a police man too. Well, I’m not really interested with Toni nor Sam Milby or anything. It’s just that, oddly enough, I found myself crying when I watched the part where she danced with his dad… not ‘cause it’s dramatic or anything- it’s actually something that’ll just make you go ‘aww’…it’s just because I’ve watched this movie before and his dad eventually died, just shortly after that, when a coconut fell on him while he was pissing. (i'm serious about this story. i swear) It’s supposed to be funny right?

But God, it tore my heart to pieces…and it was sort of like having a wound and then you pour freshly squeezed calamansi over it. It felt like THAT.

I give such a huge deal to it because I realized that it meant every person dear to us should never be taken for granted because we’ll never know how, when nor why they’ll be taken away from us. We have to take every bit of time like precious money, spend it wisely. Well, it’s not the money that really matters; it’s what it can give you. Same as time.

my very goofy family.

I realized I had to save time, and I mean lots of it. I can’t spend the rest of my life saving up just for my own future nor for mere everyday expenses. Technically, I can live with the simple house or car- I can live with the simple life. But I can’t live my life knowing I didn’t give my family their dreams- and I know that dreams are never really simple.

Dad and our baby chowchow, Xavier

My parents, or just like any other father or mother aim for one thing: to give their children the best future. If you fear of making a bad decision- our parents probably have a gazillions times more fear than you have. And sometimes, they may not mean to do it, but they end up manipulating everything just to make sure you don’t end up getting hurt. We can never blame them for this. It’s not a matter of them not trusting you and your decisions or your capabilities. That’s Parenting 101. That’s love.

My techie mudra playing tetris

But I love them too. That’s why sometimes, I have to know more than being safe. I have to know where I can give back. I have to know how I can spend more time with them and give their dreams as well. I knew i had to do something else. Is it too much to ask for? Or is it something everyone has been meaning to ask? Is it just too good to have?

But then again, wanting something so bad, I’m more than willing to take the risks. It’s just too good to let pass.

In the movie, Moe spent her whole Christmas and New Year crying over the death of her dad. Well, I’d have to say, who wouldn’t right? But I think, it would have made herself feel a little better if she was given the opportunity to give back to her dad who took care of her all by himself when Moe's mom died. After all, it’s hard to find someone so dear even if we forage over the universe. There’s just one family who will treat you the way a family treats a member. Even if we have a broken family, or the worse family one could ever imagine, this is a big part of what makes us human. And no matter how imperfect our families could be (and, who’s family isn’t imperfect right?), I don’t think anybody would (nor should) trade for another.

And if that would be the case, is it bad to want to give more?

A lot of people would most probably contradict me. That we should not be too worldly, that it’s good to live simply; that we should be contented with what we already have. Well, I wouldn’t argue with being thankful with what we have because no matter how small we think we have, there will always be people who’ll think you have ginormous stuff compared to what they have. Nor would I argue that we should not be too worldly, too absorbed with the material things. There will always be a person who would have different ideas and that’s what makes this world a good place to live in, so diverse and rich.

photo by Ms. Carla Espinosa

But, I believe too that the generous God did not make the Earth so beautiful just to be seen in postcards or in television. I also believe that He did not give us such a rich world just to be looked at, nor to be ignored. There, too, is a reason why everyone has their own set of left and right brain hemispheres. Lastly, there is a reason why we can see and we can create. And I think, it is worse to ignore our capabilities and our blessings… especially if your reason to use these opportunities or capabilities is to provide, not just for yourself, but for people dear to you. A narrow minded person will always see this as wanting to have more. But it's not always having more, it's being able to give more. And it's not about what you have, it's about how it makes you feel. And even if you are one who don't believe in a Provider nor God, I still think the same idea applies.


Something exists for a reason. Everything happens for a reason.

After all, there is nothing we should all do but to do everything for and with love.

and i'd want to stick with the idea that wanting and working to have a better peek at life is better than wasting my time doing something else...like arguing with equally-bored-hatred-struck people, right? definitely.

/cc

God made the stars.

I've been struggling for the past few weeks.

I've traveled distances, amidst horizontal and vertical rains (yep, and by that i really meant rain that came from left and right...the sky's gettin' crankier!) as if really aiming to get me wet, landslides in action, rockslides, people talking and laughing while i scratch my head (puzzled with what they're all talking about in their local dialect), eating dinner at 10 to 11 o'clock in the evening, getting butt sores from lengthy travelling, extending the lengthy travelling for 3 more hours because of traffic jams, going home with mom's whip ready to beat me off (kidding)...and i just can't thank God enough for giving me the opportunity to experience them all.

lately, i've been feeling all softy and fragile because everything's been a blur. i believe everything's alright and i thank God nothing's too wrong for me to not be able to handle, BUT...alright is never alright. It's like i've been doing everything but i can't see the road. the only thing that kept my feet on the road was the idea of having a great and much-deserved ooh-lala. i'm actually fighting with my tear ducts right now.

But, even at these tough times in my life, i just couldn't bare the thought of giving up. It's actually funny because for the past few weeks, where i've been struggling to reach my goals which are definitely beyond 'alright', as if i'm at the right place at the right time, i keep hearing/seeing things that just keeps me from letting it all go.

Like, a few minutes ago, i was about to just let it all be because the week's about to end already and we haven't even figured out what to do or where to re-plan everything... i was about to just give up and let things happen as if fate would control my life.

besides, i felt like i've been fighting all these weeks and i couldn't even get too close, nor figure out how to get there. i just did what i felt i had to do, went extra miles, swallowed everything up and still, i just can't get to it.

until i clicked on my twitter tab and the first tweet i saw was this:

and i know, some of you might say that it was just plain coincidence or i was just giving meaning to everything BUT, since i watched the video 'The Secret', i realized that everything really does happen for a reason. Like, during a recent company sizzle in Makati, conducted at AIM (Asian Institute of Management, Paseo De Roxas, Makati City), everyone who shared their stories talked about their struggles before they got to where they are today. The event was just too inspiring for me.

"The enemy fights the hardest when you're closest to your goals." -Ms. Tasha Rodriguez 

This line struck me the most. And i mean, really struck me. I remember beaming with so much hope when i heard this from her. I felt like i was really meant to be here, like everyone was meant to be here... and i was right where i was supposed to be. And God has everything to do with it.

The next day, we went to a Perspective training and i was like, THIS. O.O literally. Every word spoke to me, like i was schizophrenic or something.

HAHA kidding.

but really, i realized that I'm on the right track.

We've been told about our limitations all too often that we've forgotten the possibilities. We've been told that if something was meant for us, it shouldn't hurt when we're trying to pursue it. But, if every wound we get was a sign that it wasn't meant for us, then, we shouldn't have learned how to ride a bike (uh...okay. so what if i don't know how to ride the bike.) nor, to walk (perfect for my case). Life is full of spikes and needles that'll hurt us, but if we never knew discomfort, we'll never know what comfort is. without them, we'll never appreciate how long we've come so far in life. they serve as markers of where we've been. and they bring the kind of scars we'll never even dare to cover, because we show them off- that's how we roll and boast.

there was actually this video that our coach, Sir Louie Garcia, let us watch. It was about a team who, for the first time ever in their school's history, reached the championship for a local football league. they knew in their hearts that they could never win against the 'never-beaten-champion-team-for-a-long-time' until their coach spoke to them. anyway, here's the vid na lang. too much blah. haha

there were other video clips he showed us but this one, oh yeah, this one really crushed my heart like a grape. i died watching this video. i was fighting off my tears because somehow, my struggles felt the same way. Like everyone's either laughing at me or shouting 'is that all you've got' to me.

and i was right there at the back row, wiping my eyes...while saying the S word for a million times.

After watching the clip, some probably yapped for minutes, the others might've jotted a few words and the rest, including me, probably gathered up the pieces of their shattered grapes, er, hearts and vowed to themselves that THIS, yes, THIS is it.

Tomorrow's actually the make or break point of this week's work-athon. And nope, it never ends here. It just marks another week, and yet, another goal's fate to be sealed. And i know i need to sleep but when i close my eyes,  i tear up and start thinking about a lot of what if's. (and now, im actually crying. HAHAHA i'm such a baby) Everything's been a blur, but the ending has always been something i've been picturing in my head for a very long time. And it makes me push myself some more, a little bit more. God works in wonders, they say. God move's mountains, they also say.

Well, i say... God made the stars...and that's all i needed to know.

*wiping whatever there is to wipe now. haha what the shizzles!

lost with a PURPOSE.

WARNING! Every bit of this is RANDOM but true.

Yesterday, i waited patiently for a bus to pass by. I didn't know what kind of bus i was waiting for, and eerie enough, i realized that for the past 15 minutes, i have let 3 buses that could've taken me to where i was supposed to conduct our business meeting.

And then, a particular bus finally stopped. I didn't know its destination but i just felt like i should just go and take off with it. Later on, i was told that the it would only take me half-way of where i needed to go... so half-way, i got off the bus.

While waiting for another bus to take me, an anxious guy suddenly walked towards me and asked, "Miss, alam mo ba kung anong puwede kong sakyan that would take me to Carmen? I used to ride a jeep that took me until Tayug but i don't know which one to ride."

And i was like smiling. I felt like i was beaming. So i told him which PUV's he could ride that'll take him to where he wants to go. As i watched him walk away, i realized something:

We always have these plans in life, and we wonder why whatever we do...we always end up somewhere else. Sometimes, even when we do our best to make it happen, it just doesn't happen.

All our lives we have been taught of our limitations, of what we should be according to society. We have been taught that a successful person is defined as one being known by a lot of people, one who has finished a high degree of education and now works in tall buildings, wearing suits and ties or one who has seen the world with his very own eyes. The perspective of our society about success is so limiting.

I'm not one who knows a lot about things, nor am i a naive being. But for the very first time in my life, i realized that I had a purpose, which seemed to much better than what humanity has been dictating me to do. I realized that everyone should define their own success, depending on what makes them feel happiest...and whatever makes them feel changed as a human being.

I believe that yesterday, i was lost for a purpose. And that purpose is to lead people to whatever they want to become, wherever they want to be...and that is, to be free; because I believe that God has better plans for our success... much better than our own, and so much better than what the society dictates.

And someday, i will change the world...one person in a day.

Our company's event for a cause. Changing lives..for the better, one life at a time.