GoodMorning Emotions.

Good Morning emotions.

Today i woke up feeling nothing at all - just pure apathy. Or perhaps, there's this little tingly feeling of pain right there...in a little spot somewhere in my not so cold heart. I couldn't resist forcing myself to feel nothing. After all, we were told that emotions had always been the culprit for clouding logic in the brains of men, most especially that of women. But I've been thinking if it's really always okay to be non-emotional because I tend to forget how to be empathetic to people's feelings, that I tend to turn out to be a bad person eventually after trying really hard to be the most apathetic person ever. I just couldn't deny myself the tormenting feeling of hurting certain people, especially those I would never ever mean to hurt. But not feeling at all, means I have to deny myself the feeling of happiness towards being close to certain people, the sadness of being rejected, the possible feelings of humiliation, the anger and the anxiety; just pure sarcasm. It means that logically, i know i'm an easily distract-able person so to keep me from detouring from the road to success, i have to keep myself free from distractions- free from anything other than work.

It just had to be the easiest decision i'll ever have to make since all my life, i've been so scared to being in relationships, of having a family of my own, of having kids... But deep down this apathetic person is the simple believer that somehow, I really want to know the feeling of finding the person who will make me forget about every attempt to reject love. And right now, I just can't believe that I admitted that to myself. And, I'm being so melancholic right now.

I needed people to see me as ice: tough, but can definitely be molded into something beautiful. But at the end of the day, I'm just water...waiting to be frozen again. I can see a lot of set backs with what I see myself as. But I figured out that it's what's real...and that I am not perfect. I melt. But i can be drawn. Be frozen again. But some people only saw the toughness in the ice and nothing more. I'm a stone cold heart they could easily throw words or meaningless actions at. The thought that I could feel never really occurred to them. I was just this ruthless, sarcastic person everybody thought to be so strong- I never was. It was just what I wanted people to see me. And when the water in me finally melts, I become weak. I succumb. I cry. I die.

Finally, I realize that not all the easiest decisions are the right ones to make; the right ones are always the hardest. Probably because logically, we all know what's right. But emotionally, everything's just too complicated and hard. Or maybe it's just me that's making everything too puzzle-y to be figured out by everybody. I was just trying too hard to be out of the ordinary. But honestly i'm just one of the billions and kazillions of existing humanoids in this earth. And now, everything's back-firing. Everybody thinks I'm a complicated piece of matter when all I ever wanted was simple: to have someone who will stay with me amidst my randomness, bipolar mood swings and foolishness.

But that's just one of the many things I have to think through. It's just but one of a thousand more of my fears and anxieties that I'm living through every day of my life. This love matter would probably be the least of them, but it's its sting that brings the most of the pain right now. I know it will eventually fade, and I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that it only hurts because I'm trying to resist God's detour. Everything that's meant to happen will happen in the course of time. But right now, I know He's trying to redirect me to my priorities...He's trying really hard to hit me in the head. I guess He just did this morning. I've been seeking something out of what matters most right now...probably because I needed air to breathe. Everything's just been so out of hand lately and I was grabbing another thing. It's all about me. It has always been about me. This time, I know again. This time.

So I guess emotions don't always cloud logic. Sometimes, they bring me right where logic should be.

Good Morning emotions. Good Morning, indeed.

The Chase and All The Hooplas: A Decision

22 years ago, i was making noise- a cry for wanting so much more.

I remember back in a college summer break when my mom and I sat down on our dining table after a long day of chores. She started telling me how she could reminisce a few years back when she had no one to help her with the chores. She had to do everything. Living in a half-urbanized province, we had to keep up with everything. And hearing me cry, asking for milk, wasn't of any help at all.

photo from Russian.net

nostalgia cuts: Whenever mom and i watch a television commercial of formula milks with do much alphabets in them that make a child smarter, we'd often laugh. One time, mom told me, 'e hindi naman totoo yan! ikaw nga nu'n Am* lang, e matalino pa rin naman.' (translation: that's not even true! You only had Am before but that didn't keep you from being smart.) see. i'm that special.



*Am is the broth you get while cooking rice. :D and that's my 'milk'.

A few years later, being a creative kid wasn't considered such a gift either considering that i'd always use all the crayons i'll get a hold of to color every piece of paper (book, notebook, used or unused coupon bonds, etc.). Actually, one of the most memorable moments of my life was when a grade school friend of mine went to our house and she brought with her, her 64 piece crayola set. It was crazy because it even had sharpeners, extra pencils and all that stuff! One day, when mom was getting ready to go out to the market, I begged her to buy me one just like it. The next thing i knew, i was crying.

Of course she didn't buy 'em.

The built-in sharpener thingy drove me crazy.

The crayons were just one of a lot of stuff i wanted when I was a kid. I wanted an aquarium, sweet ol' Gerber, new cassette tapes, Play Doh, Lego, Polly pockets, coloring books, water colors, paints, brick games- and more. I've always been scolded whenever i asked for these. And it's probably one of the reasons why for a certain span of time, i sort of believed that asking for something was actually a bad thing. That i'd just get what i deserved to get. So i got myself convinced that i just had to deal with the old cassette tapes and vinyls of James Taylor, Abba, Bob Dylan, Frank Sinatra and all those artists who are, well, no longer breathing. I actually believed that gadgets are for people who didn't have enough space in their backyard to play with. So i spent my summers running over our muddy rice fields, catching frogs and toads, hunting for spiders, making our own toy gun with wet news paper as bullets and playing house with grass and a variety of colorful leaves to cook. Then, i would dream that someday, everything's going to be so much more.

my buddies! and my co-bullies.

Now that i look back, it actually sounds fun. Very probinsya. But as a kid who believed that I was missing a lot, it wasn't. Especially when i had to go back to school and my classmates would have new shoes, new crayons, new EVERYTHING...it's not very cool to have all my old stuff in my old bag. Honestly, i realized that to save myself from being ridiculed, i actually became a bully. I befriended the boys in our class, and a few cool girls. Very few actually. Just because I had to be a part of something stronger. (yes, i am both manipulative and mean. haha) It's a very vivid memory which makes me chuckle every now and then.

It was until my Dad finally had a big break in his career as a Civil Engineer in a european company that our lives started to change. We finally had more. Actually, we'd often say that our youngest sibling, Mike, was the luckiest because he actually didn't experience having so much trouble- he had new stuff every school year, he had Gerber which was cool for us back then, he had abundant formula milk, new clothes- and mom cooked whatever he wanted to eat! It was either because he was the youngest, he was the only boy or his timing was just perfect. Though I only get to see Dad during weekends because he has to work in The Fort, which is a 5 to 6-hour drive from home, I know that it's part of the sacrifices a father has to make to provide the best for his family.

Now, everything's better. So much better.

a gold and golds in the making.

And i realized that everything i experienced or didn't experience created a big part of what i want to be, have and do in the very near future. Looking back, though i believed for the longest time that i had less than the rest of the people i knew, i now know that I actually had more of my childhood. I was trained to be a fighter, to make the most out of the very few things, to create something bigger. I had to be strong... because we'll never know when it's all going to rumble to how everything's supposed to be- which is definitely so much better than how it is now. I thank God He gave me so much even without me asking. (He's that thoughtful!)

Though technically, we still don't have everything we want. And i believe, this time, it's me. It pushes me to strive for more. I've always believed that I'm special, that i'm meant for something greater. And i think everybody deserves more than they think they do. I mean, so much more! Which is why when I finally found myself an opportunity that's slowly changing my life, i just had to thank God everyday for bringing me such a huge blessing. It was one of the toughest decisions i had to make, and right now, I believe it's the best decision I've made ever.

But of course, chasing dreams is never easy. We run. It's not something we wait for- it's something we run our lives for. So what if it's hard? Letting every dream go is harder than running after it. If you let it go without a fight, it'll haunt you with what if's...the pain will never go away; but doing everything you can to chase it, it'll lead you to something...much better from where you were. You just have to decide if the misery from just letting everything go will always be worse than pursuing it.

on a cocktail party for a cause with my best bud.

And I've been running for such a long time, 

and the last thing I could ever probably do is to stop until every bit of it has become worth it.

22 years later since i was born, i was still making a lot of hooplahs and blah blahs. This time, it's not a cry of wanting- it's a cry of knowing i'll get it, and i'll definitely get there.

Wanting More: Happy and Mushy Thoughts on A Grey Cloud

I was watching this Toni Gonzaga (who plays the character, Moe) movie on local television (yes, I watch too…sometimes.), You Got Me. She worked as a local police woman in a police station (duh) with her Dad, who was a police man too. Well, I’m not really interested with Toni nor Sam Milby or anything. It’s just that, oddly enough, I found myself crying when I watched the part where she danced with his dad… not ‘cause it’s dramatic or anything- it’s actually something that’ll just make you go ‘aww’…it’s just because I’ve watched this movie before and his dad eventually died, just shortly after that, when a coconut fell on him while he was pissing. (i'm serious about this story. i swear) It’s supposed to be funny right?

But God, it tore my heart to pieces…and it was sort of like having a wound and then you pour freshly squeezed calamansi over it. It felt like THAT.

I give such a huge deal to it because I realized that it meant every person dear to us should never be taken for granted because we’ll never know how, when nor why they’ll be taken away from us. We have to take every bit of time like precious money, spend it wisely. Well, it’s not the money that really matters; it’s what it can give you. Same as time.

my very goofy family.

I realized I had to save time, and I mean lots of it. I can’t spend the rest of my life saving up just for my own future nor for mere everyday expenses. Technically, I can live with the simple house or car- I can live with the simple life. But I can’t live my life knowing I didn’t give my family their dreams- and I know that dreams are never really simple.

Dad and our baby chowchow, Xavier

My parents, or just like any other father or mother aim for one thing: to give their children the best future. If you fear of making a bad decision- our parents probably have a gazillions times more fear than you have. And sometimes, they may not mean to do it, but they end up manipulating everything just to make sure you don’t end up getting hurt. We can never blame them for this. It’s not a matter of them not trusting you and your decisions or your capabilities. That’s Parenting 101. That’s love.

My techie mudra playing tetris

But I love them too. That’s why sometimes, I have to know more than being safe. I have to know where I can give back. I have to know how I can spend more time with them and give their dreams as well. I knew i had to do something else. Is it too much to ask for? Or is it something everyone has been meaning to ask? Is it just too good to have?

But then again, wanting something so bad, I’m more than willing to take the risks. It’s just too good to let pass.

In the movie, Moe spent her whole Christmas and New Year crying over the death of her dad. Well, I’d have to say, who wouldn’t right? But I think, it would have made herself feel a little better if she was given the opportunity to give back to her dad who took care of her all by himself when Moe's mom died. After all, it’s hard to find someone so dear even if we forage over the universe. There’s just one family who will treat you the way a family treats a member. Even if we have a broken family, or the worse family one could ever imagine, this is a big part of what makes us human. And no matter how imperfect our families could be (and, who’s family isn’t imperfect right?), I don’t think anybody would (nor should) trade for another.

And if that would be the case, is it bad to want to give more?

A lot of people would most probably contradict me. That we should not be too worldly, that it’s good to live simply; that we should be contented with what we already have. Well, I wouldn’t argue with being thankful with what we have because no matter how small we think we have, there will always be people who’ll think you have ginormous stuff compared to what they have. Nor would I argue that we should not be too worldly, too absorbed with the material things. There will always be a person who would have different ideas and that’s what makes this world a good place to live in, so diverse and rich.

photo by Ms. Carla Espinosa

But, I believe too that the generous God did not make the Earth so beautiful just to be seen in postcards or in television. I also believe that He did not give us such a rich world just to be looked at, nor to be ignored. There, too, is a reason why everyone has their own set of left and right brain hemispheres. Lastly, there is a reason why we can see and we can create. And I think, it is worse to ignore our capabilities and our blessings… especially if your reason to use these opportunities or capabilities is to provide, not just for yourself, but for people dear to you. A narrow minded person will always see this as wanting to have more. But it's not always having more, it's being able to give more. And it's not about what you have, it's about how it makes you feel. And even if you are one who don't believe in a Provider nor God, I still think the same idea applies.


Something exists for a reason. Everything happens for a reason.

After all, there is nothing we should all do but to do everything for and with love.

and i'd want to stick with the idea that wanting and working to have a better peek at life is better than wasting my time doing something else...like arguing with equally-bored-hatred-struck people, right? definitely.

/cc

God made the stars.

I've been struggling for the past few weeks.

I've traveled distances, amidst horizontal and vertical rains (yep, and by that i really meant rain that came from left and right...the sky's gettin' crankier!) as if really aiming to get me wet, landslides in action, rockslides, people talking and laughing while i scratch my head (puzzled with what they're all talking about in their local dialect), eating dinner at 10 to 11 o'clock in the evening, getting butt sores from lengthy travelling, extending the lengthy travelling for 3 more hours because of traffic jams, going home with mom's whip ready to beat me off (kidding)...and i just can't thank God enough for giving me the opportunity to experience them all.

lately, i've been feeling all softy and fragile because everything's been a blur. i believe everything's alright and i thank God nothing's too wrong for me to not be able to handle, BUT...alright is never alright. It's like i've been doing everything but i can't see the road. the only thing that kept my feet on the road was the idea of having a great and much-deserved ooh-lala. i'm actually fighting with my tear ducts right now.

But, even at these tough times in my life, i just couldn't bare the thought of giving up. It's actually funny because for the past few weeks, where i've been struggling to reach my goals which are definitely beyond 'alright', as if i'm at the right place at the right time, i keep hearing/seeing things that just keeps me from letting it all go.

Like, a few minutes ago, i was about to just let it all be because the week's about to end already and we haven't even figured out what to do or where to re-plan everything... i was about to just give up and let things happen as if fate would control my life.

besides, i felt like i've been fighting all these weeks and i couldn't even get too close, nor figure out how to get there. i just did what i felt i had to do, went extra miles, swallowed everything up and still, i just can't get to it.

until i clicked on my twitter tab and the first tweet i saw was this:

and i know, some of you might say that it was just plain coincidence or i was just giving meaning to everything BUT, since i watched the video 'The Secret', i realized that everything really does happen for a reason. Like, during a recent company sizzle in Makati, conducted at AIM (Asian Institute of Management, Paseo De Roxas, Makati City), everyone who shared their stories talked about their struggles before they got to where they are today. The event was just too inspiring for me.

"The enemy fights the hardest when you're closest to your goals." -Ms. Tasha Rodriguez 

This line struck me the most. And i mean, really struck me. I remember beaming with so much hope when i heard this from her. I felt like i was really meant to be here, like everyone was meant to be here... and i was right where i was supposed to be. And God has everything to do with it.

The next day, we went to a Perspective training and i was like, THIS. O.O literally. Every word spoke to me, like i was schizophrenic or something.

HAHA kidding.

but really, i realized that I'm on the right track.

We've been told about our limitations all too often that we've forgotten the possibilities. We've been told that if something was meant for us, it shouldn't hurt when we're trying to pursue it. But, if every wound we get was a sign that it wasn't meant for us, then, we shouldn't have learned how to ride a bike (uh...okay. so what if i don't know how to ride the bike.) nor, to walk (perfect for my case). Life is full of spikes and needles that'll hurt us, but if we never knew discomfort, we'll never know what comfort is. without them, we'll never appreciate how long we've come so far in life. they serve as markers of where we've been. and they bring the kind of scars we'll never even dare to cover, because we show them off- that's how we roll and boast.

there was actually this video that our coach, Sir Louie Garcia, let us watch. It was about a team who, for the first time ever in their school's history, reached the championship for a local football league. they knew in their hearts that they could never win against the 'never-beaten-champion-team-for-a-long-time' until their coach spoke to them. anyway, here's the vid na lang. too much blah. haha

there were other video clips he showed us but this one, oh yeah, this one really crushed my heart like a grape. i died watching this video. i was fighting off my tears because somehow, my struggles felt the same way. Like everyone's either laughing at me or shouting 'is that all you've got' to me.

and i was right there at the back row, wiping my eyes...while saying the S word for a million times.

After watching the clip, some probably yapped for minutes, the others might've jotted a few words and the rest, including me, probably gathered up the pieces of their shattered grapes, er, hearts and vowed to themselves that THIS, yes, THIS is it.

Tomorrow's actually the make or break point of this week's work-athon. And nope, it never ends here. It just marks another week, and yet, another goal's fate to be sealed. And i know i need to sleep but when i close my eyes,  i tear up and start thinking about a lot of what if's. (and now, im actually crying. HAHAHA i'm such a baby) Everything's been a blur, but the ending has always been something i've been picturing in my head for a very long time. And it makes me push myself some more, a little bit more. God works in wonders, they say. God move's mountains, they also say.

Well, i say... God made the stars...and that's all i needed to know.

*wiping whatever there is to wipe now. haha what the shizzles!

lost with a PURPOSE.

WARNING! Every bit of this is RANDOM but true.

Yesterday, i waited patiently for a bus to pass by. I didn't know what kind of bus i was waiting for, and eerie enough, i realized that for the past 15 minutes, i have let 3 buses that could've taken me to where i was supposed to conduct our business meeting.

And then, a particular bus finally stopped. I didn't know its destination but i just felt like i should just go and take off with it. Later on, i was told that the it would only take me half-way of where i needed to go... so half-way, i got off the bus.

While waiting for another bus to take me, an anxious guy suddenly walked towards me and asked, "Miss, alam mo ba kung anong puwede kong sakyan that would take me to Carmen? I used to ride a jeep that took me until Tayug but i don't know which one to ride."

And i was like smiling. I felt like i was beaming. So i told him which PUV's he could ride that'll take him to where he wants to go. As i watched him walk away, i realized something:

We always have these plans in life, and we wonder why whatever we do...we always end up somewhere else. Sometimes, even when we do our best to make it happen, it just doesn't happen.

All our lives we have been taught of our limitations, of what we should be according to society. We have been taught that a successful person is defined as one being known by a lot of people, one who has finished a high degree of education and now works in tall buildings, wearing suits and ties or one who has seen the world with his very own eyes. The perspective of our society about success is so limiting.

I'm not one who knows a lot about things, nor am i a naive being. But for the very first time in my life, i realized that I had a purpose, which seemed to much better than what humanity has been dictating me to do. I realized that everyone should define their own success, depending on what makes them feel happiest...and whatever makes them feel changed as a human being.

I believe that yesterday, i was lost for a purpose. And that purpose is to lead people to whatever they want to become, wherever they want to be...and that is, to be free; because I believe that God has better plans for our success... much better than our own, and so much better than what the society dictates.

And someday, i will change the world...one person in a day.

Our company's event for a cause. Changing lives..for the better, one life at a time.

I'm inlove.

random day. here's a blast from my not so distant past.

something i wrote last year. July 12, 2011.

one day.


one day, i won't be able to move. someday, i won't even know i exist. that day i won't recognize anybody. that day, i won't recognize myself. and i'll pretend nobody really cares, like nobody knows who i am. and i'll continue reaching out, until life gets to me.


for now, i'll just continue walking. i'll take this step. i'll take this road. and though a lot may think i just gotta stop, and a few will try to learn to take their own stand, i'll just look at their faces, i'll just gaze as they gawk. they may despise me. they can throw whatever they get a hold of. but then, i'll continue gulping my beer, eating all that junk, sleep 'til my head aches, i'll toss my coins to wishing wells, waste my money on bits and pieces, i'll continue to buy red, yellow and blue paint- i'll color my world 'til my heart's content. it may look like i'm wasting my life to smokes. it may seem as though i'm throwing my life to barren wastelands. but then, this is how i buy my life, my own ticket to happiness.


it's easy enough to earn money. it's never easy to burn what you've earned. it's easy to live a life of comfort- because what's really hard is to find happiness amidst what people call the perfect kind of life.


so i have no time to waste to crumbles.no, i have no time to waste. i can sleep, move, laugh, eat...drink 'til dawn and go on a trip. while those who despise me curse me for being happy now, remember this: one day,you won't be able to move. someday, you won't even know you exist. that day you won't recognize anybody. that day, you won't recognize yourself. and you'll pretend nobody really cares, like nobody knows who you are. but you'll remember what you did when you could still move every bit of muscle in you; when you knew people who could bring out the better in what you already thought was the best; when you still had enough guts to drink all the booze you wanted.


Because as for me, i'll be laughing- 'cause God knows how much i've saturated the world just to get the license to get madly, ridiculously happy now 'til future when the rest of the righteous humanity isn't.






i can't believe i wrote this even before i had my job now-which is perfect for this prose i wrote. and i've always believed that everything happens for a reason and that everyone is meant to be someone, to do something, to be something else rather than whatever they are now...something much greater than what they imagined they'd be. i'm happy. but i can still be so much happier. (:


*as for me, i've always believed i'd be a rich nomad :D hahaha


and since, i keep on reading stuff i've written in the past (waaaaay past), i believe that it's a symptom. i'm always like this when i'm inspired, when i want to write, when i'm happy, when i feel good...when i'm in love. and though i don't know whom i'm in love with, can i just say... i'm just glad i am. <3

PVC's and Old Cars

WHAT THE...i think i just had a premature ventricular contraction (PVCs).
Oh, you mean you skipped a heart beat?

it's amazing how old things get to catch my attention. Like, while i was at work earlier this afternoon (during a table presentation to a client. HAHA sorry, coach), i browsed over a Top Gear magazine and immediately fell in love with a black Jaguar E-type. And I didn't even believe in love at first sight!

And Mr Landon parks right...THERE.

My love for old cars started when i first laid my eyes on what i thought to be a Mustang on the movie, A Walk To Remember. And for years, I thought it was a red Mustang with white racing stripes. Every time i see Shane West driving it, i kept gawking at our television like crazy. Apparently, I tried to research on what type of mustang it is (and by research, i mean Google q:) and BOOM! i then knew that it was a '67 Camaro. haha So much for fantasizing about Mustangs. BUT still, my love for Mustangs (Ford) and Camaros (Chevrolet) continued to grow as i fell more in love with cars...old cars to be exact.

But i think, I've never seen a car so beautiful and as breath-taking as what I've seen just this afternoon. (Drum roll, please!) The Jaguar E-Type which just took my breath away for nearly 60 seconds. Imagine me staring at a magazine for 60 seconds, blinked and then, stared at it again. How come I just met you today? I was blown away. Really, really blown away.

I know. I'm such a newbie for knowing this just now. I'm now asking for your forgiveness. Have you forgiven me?

Enzo Ferrari. He definitely knows what he's talking about.

To make up for knowing this dazzling dude late, i made a research. Well, for starters, it's a British automobile made between 1961 'til 1974 (yes, i made a research and yes, from google :D). With good looks and amazing performance- it was quoted by Mr. Enzo Ferrari as the 'most beautiful car ever made'. 

Well, i couldn't argue with that, could you?

Light weight and Low Drag coupe designs were made for racers, and well, a certain Bob Jane won the 1963 Australian GT Championship using a lightweight E-type Jaguar. And the rest is history.

Hey! This IS history.

a classic Jaguar E Type. i'm drooling.

I don't know a lot about car races (aside from the Piston Cup on the Disney movie 'Cars' teehee) so, i'll leave you with that. But still, old cars are amazing. I think they were made to last and look for an owner to give them a new life in this wrecked earth. Kidding! I mean, i wanna be like an old car: made to withstand the test of time. A lot of new ones may come but still, people will always look back and go back to the old ones. They may look rusty, dented, scratched but still, the machine works amazing- as if always brand new. And i'm betting the owners don't really care about how much you pay them... just promise them you'll take good care of something so precious to even sell. I mean, you've got the 'most beautiful car ever made' in your hands, right? (Right now, i wish someone reads this and gives me this. HAHA and then, i can die right then and there.)

i'll scour the Earth to look for one of these. 

And if you think I'm in love with these cars- well, i think you're right! :D <3 <3 <3 and i'm putting hearts right here. as if it's not obvious and literal enough. HAHA