goodbye. i'm done. i'm leaving.

'Opportunities come only once. And if they do appear twice, it won’t be the same as it did the first time.'

PERSPECTIVE.

This is probably me rationalizing why i’m about to decide on something so big, so drastic that’ll probably affect a lot of people in my life. I’m a melancholic person and i have to admit that if thinking over of things too much is a crime, please sentence me to death now. I’m a thinker and although there are implusive moments in my life, it felt like i was an OC being thrown into a puddle of mud- it looked like it would kill me, but it was actually fun... when i finally learned it was. I have millions of doubts in my head and all i ever need is a push, so big, so hard from a melancholic just like me.

The idea here now is that, when my impulsivity didn’t cut in through, and i just missed a big fish- am i worth having the second chance?

They say to be successful, you have to eat your pride for breakfast- do what you’ve never done before and say what you’ve never said before. Then, above everything else, don’t care about sh*t coming from everyone else’s mouth so as long as you’re not stepping on anybody else.

And right here, right now i’m telling everyone this – i’m leaving. I’ve finally decided that i’m leaving.

SLOW DOWN TACHYCARDIA.

No, i’m not leaving like some people did. And no, i don’t have anything against those people.  Joining into this venture will always be the BEST decision i’ve ever made in my life and no one can ever make me change my mind. It offers the BIGGEST, BADDEST possibilities in life and i know that i am one of the luckiest people in this planet to have found this amazing gift from God. The only sad thing here is that, not everyone is up for it. People come and go. And the sad thing here is, they leave not only the people, but their dreams as well. I’ve already forgotten how it feels to be angry because the only emotion i feel right now is melancholy that they didn’t last ‘til they get a grasp of their dreams. My joining may have brought a few perks to some people and I’m keeping it only until that. I don’t intend to stay for their sake.

I’m not washing my hands clean, i was part of their race. But joining into this venture was their own decision... and,  so was leaving. People can keep pointing their fingers but i hope they realize that i was only a teacher- it’s not my responsibility to read your books for you, nor to answer your examination papers. And like every teacher in this planet, i cannot control your will to listen simply because i don’t own your ears. The decision to run the race is theirs because i never held their legs.

And probably the only blame i can take is that i was never able to show them how big this is- and that it’s worth every wound they get.

No, i’m not leaving like some people did. I don’t want to be called a loser- simply because i’m not. And it’s not just because i know people will be talking behind my back, laughing at me like i’m some sh*t. I have my pride and i can’t ever accept the idea of people laughing at me and talking to me with sarcasm written over their foreheads. I am the queen of sarcasm, and the goddess will always be me when i’m in my 40’s.

No, i’m not leaving like some people did. My reasons and dreams are much bigger than people’s judgment, superficial thoughts, naive ideas and stereotypical wonders. And i understand why it’s easier for people to just accept what they have now than to gamble for better things in life- i should know, i was one of them before. But for the past months i’ve spent with the most amazing people on earth, i realized how amazing the world really is. I’ve realized that there are billions of possibilities. Why bother settling for dirt when you can have the Caribbean sands? Why bother settling for puddles of mud when you can have the Pacific ocean?

The only thing that kept me from them is probably the idea that I’m not good enough to have these. Maybe there are people who we’re just meant for puddles and dirt; that there are people meant to serve tables and not have their own tables to be served. The question is, are you or are you not one of them? I most definitely am NOT.

GRABBING. GRASPING.

They say grab every opportunity, grab every advantage you can get. And finally, I’m leaving.

I’m leaving the people who have let go of me. I’m leaving the people who only get in touch when they need me. I’m leaving my BURDENS to start a brand new race. They say we should never leave people behind. Well I say, they should have never left me. But throughout the abyss-climbing experience, I must say i should thank them because they gave me a chance to learn to be tough, to learn to get up and start again from scratch...or from someone else’s scratch. There may be people who will leave when you’re drowning, people who just stare at you and scream that you need help and people who are more than willing to save you from hell. And these are the people i’ll grab onto. And i know that together with the best job in the world, i can work with some of the best people to have the BEST of what life can OFFER.

And when i come back, it will be different and it’s going to take more than sanity to keep everything in place.