goodbye. i'm done. i'm leaving.

'Opportunities come only once. And if they do appear twice, it won’t be the same as it did the first time.'

PERSPECTIVE.

This is probably me rationalizing why i’m about to decide on something so big, so drastic that’ll probably affect a lot of people in my life. I’m a melancholic person and i have to admit that if thinking over of things too much is a crime, please sentence me to death now. I’m a thinker and although there are implusive moments in my life, it felt like i was an OC being thrown into a puddle of mud- it looked like it would kill me, but it was actually fun... when i finally learned it was. I have millions of doubts in my head and all i ever need is a push, so big, so hard from a melancholic just like me.

The idea here now is that, when my impulsivity didn’t cut in through, and i just missed a big fish- am i worth having the second chance?

They say to be successful, you have to eat your pride for breakfast- do what you’ve never done before and say what you’ve never said before. Then, above everything else, don’t care about sh*t coming from everyone else’s mouth so as long as you’re not stepping on anybody else.

And right here, right now i’m telling everyone this – i’m leaving. I’ve finally decided that i’m leaving.

SLOW DOWN TACHYCARDIA.

No, i’m not leaving like some people did. And no, i don’t have anything against those people.  Joining into this venture will always be the BEST decision i’ve ever made in my life and no one can ever make me change my mind. It offers the BIGGEST, BADDEST possibilities in life and i know that i am one of the luckiest people in this planet to have found this amazing gift from God. The only sad thing here is that, not everyone is up for it. People come and go. And the sad thing here is, they leave not only the people, but their dreams as well. I’ve already forgotten how it feels to be angry because the only emotion i feel right now is melancholy that they didn’t last ‘til they get a grasp of their dreams. My joining may have brought a few perks to some people and I’m keeping it only until that. I don’t intend to stay for their sake.

I’m not washing my hands clean, i was part of their race. But joining into this venture was their own decision... and,  so was leaving. People can keep pointing their fingers but i hope they realize that i was only a teacher- it’s not my responsibility to read your books for you, nor to answer your examination papers. And like every teacher in this planet, i cannot control your will to listen simply because i don’t own your ears. The decision to run the race is theirs because i never held their legs.

And probably the only blame i can take is that i was never able to show them how big this is- and that it’s worth every wound they get.

No, i’m not leaving like some people did. I don’t want to be called a loser- simply because i’m not. And it’s not just because i know people will be talking behind my back, laughing at me like i’m some sh*t. I have my pride and i can’t ever accept the idea of people laughing at me and talking to me with sarcasm written over their foreheads. I am the queen of sarcasm, and the goddess will always be me when i’m in my 40’s.

No, i’m not leaving like some people did. My reasons and dreams are much bigger than people’s judgment, superficial thoughts, naive ideas and stereotypical wonders. And i understand why it’s easier for people to just accept what they have now than to gamble for better things in life- i should know, i was one of them before. But for the past months i’ve spent with the most amazing people on earth, i realized how amazing the world really is. I’ve realized that there are billions of possibilities. Why bother settling for dirt when you can have the Caribbean sands? Why bother settling for puddles of mud when you can have the Pacific ocean?

The only thing that kept me from them is probably the idea that I’m not good enough to have these. Maybe there are people who we’re just meant for puddles and dirt; that there are people meant to serve tables and not have their own tables to be served. The question is, are you or are you not one of them? I most definitely am NOT.

GRABBING. GRASPING.

They say grab every opportunity, grab every advantage you can get. And finally, I’m leaving.

I’m leaving the people who have let go of me. I’m leaving the people who only get in touch when they need me. I’m leaving my BURDENS to start a brand new race. They say we should never leave people behind. Well I say, they should have never left me. But throughout the abyss-climbing experience, I must say i should thank them because they gave me a chance to learn to be tough, to learn to get up and start again from scratch...or from someone else’s scratch. There may be people who will leave when you’re drowning, people who just stare at you and scream that you need help and people who are more than willing to save you from hell. And these are the people i’ll grab onto. And i know that together with the best job in the world, i can work with some of the best people to have the BEST of what life can OFFER.

And when i come back, it will be different and it’s going to take more than sanity to keep everything in place.

because i needed to see God (and something Retro)

Life is not perfect. I've told myself that a thousand times. Apparently.

So i decided that i really needed to talk to God. Well, i do talk to Him... wherever i am: home, beach, shower, comfort...zone/room, bed..etc. But this time, i needed something really, really special so i guess it's worth the extra mile. It's not the usual make-my-crush-like-me-too kind of thing- it's the kind of prayer that fills whatever's empty in my soul (and for the first time, it's that deep), the kind that screams even without sound. 

Since lent has always been a big part of my life, i took it as an opportunity to think things over and go back to where I could find Him, so i could finally ask a lot of things about my struggles, rejections even from the people i never expected to even have the nerve to reject me and doubts about myself and what i'd really want to have in my life. It's hard for me to understand a lot of things that i really should be getting into. I kind of figured that i have trouble figuring out what i really want to do--- because honestly, i've been having a hard time deciding on what i should talk about in this blog. (haha, 2 weeks now...)

They say that no matter how hard something is, if you're really determined to do it, nothing else should matter but the fact that you will get to it.

And so, i kept telling that to myself. I think it's true when people say they have to get away to really know themselves. I'm wondering if i could do it alone. But for now, i did my get-away with my family (though one sib was missing) and well, i had a blast. It was like looking for my niche- which is located anywhere but where i usually am. (:

this calls for a ROAD TRIP. *grin right there*

Basilica in Agoo, La Union

a very interesting reminder. 

Balaoan, La Union

for my future home, i want a part of my home to have this floor design!  so old and lovely.

FACT: All of the churches we visited had popcorn stands. i wonder why.

stuff being sold.

Bangar, La Union

Bantay, Ilocos Sur (that very big lego house)

Bell Tower @Bantay, Ilocos Sur

San Fabian, Pangasinan (cleanest place we visited)

Candon, Ilocos Sur

San Fernando, La Union

San Juan, La Union

Vigan, Ilocos Sur

I've already mentioned here how much i love retro/old/ancient places and stuff like EVER! So visiting the north, even when I never mentioned it to my folks was AHMAZING. Like we had the same brain waves or something. q: Thing is, every time i step inside a heritage-ish place, i forget everything else... which is why i get away from my company and find a way to mingle with history. BUT hey, I wasn't a fan of memorizing history. I just like the artifacts and the good ol' stuff. Life then was simpler...

but then again, I tried to imagine if i were an existing person in the past. It's kind of hilarious and scary at the same time. With all the things I wanted to do, i would've been bludgeoned by historic people. AND that's probably an understatement.

I have this thing for lighted candles... so bright. (:

I couldn't resist buying one of these! Bayong galore!

Everything's just too old and retro. I'm in love.

vigan longganiza all over the place. Saving 'em all for EASTERRRR!

 VERDICT:

I saw God. And i tried to talk to Him.

I prayed for 3 things. And right now, they're the deepest, darkest desire in my heart. When I told Him that, I actually felt like nothing else mattered but these. It's just weird that while i prayed and asked my questions, i kept on laughing at myself... even to the point that I was contradicting myself, convincing that whatever it is that I'm crying over is the very reason I have to do this.

it was downright weird.

But the point is, i guess I'll just have to wait... patiently... for every struggle to uncover itself. And now that I think about it, I think I've finally figured out what i really want to be.

Life is not perfect. And it's probably the best thing ever in a person's life.

And i can't thank God enough I lived in this era.

*You're probably wondering what point here is... now that I didn't even mention what i really want in my life. randomn-er,est thoughts ever. Can i just admit to myself that I just needed to post 'em pictures?

anyway, HAPPY EASTER! (: