Good Morning emotions.
Today i woke up feeling nothing at all - just pure apathy. Or perhaps, there's this little tingly feeling of pain right there...in a little spot somewhere in my not so cold heart. I couldn't resist forcing myself to feel nothing. After all, we were told that emotions had always been the culprit for clouding logic in the brains of men, most especially that of women. But I've been thinking if it's really always okay to be non-emotional because I tend to forget how to be empathetic to people's feelings, that I tend to turn out to be a bad person eventually after trying really hard to be the most apathetic person ever. I just couldn't deny myself the tormenting feeling of hurting certain people, especially those I would never ever mean to hurt. But not feeling at all, means I have to deny myself the feeling of happiness towards being close to certain people, the sadness of being rejected, the possible feelings of humiliation, the anger and the anxiety; just pure sarcasm. It means that logically, i know i'm an easily distract-able person so to keep me from detouring from the road to success, i have to keep myself free from distractions- free from anything other than work.
It just had to be the easiest decision i'll ever have to make since all my life, i've been so scared to being in relationships, of having a family of my own, of having kids... But deep down this apathetic person is the simple believer that somehow, I really want to know the feeling of finding the person who will make me forget about every attempt to reject love. And right now, I just can't believe that I admitted that to myself. And, I'm being so melancholic right now.
I needed people to see me as ice: tough, but can definitely be molded into something beautiful. But at the end of the day, I'm just water...waiting to be frozen again. I can see a lot of set backs with what I see myself as. But I figured out that it's what's real...and that I am not perfect. I melt. But i can be drawn. Be frozen again. But some people only saw the toughness in the ice and nothing more. I'm a stone cold heart they could easily throw words or meaningless actions at. The thought that I could feel never really occurred to them. I was just this ruthless, sarcastic person everybody thought to be so strong- I never was. It was just what I wanted people to see me. And when the water in me finally melts, I become weak. I succumb. I cry. I die.
Finally, I realize that not all the easiest decisions are the right ones to make; the right ones are always the hardest. Probably because logically, we all know what's right. But emotionally, everything's just too complicated and hard. Or maybe it's just me that's making everything too puzzle-y to be figured out by everybody. I was just trying too hard to be out of the ordinary. But honestly i'm just one of the billions and kazillions of existing humanoids in this earth. And now, everything's back-firing. Everybody thinks I'm a complicated piece of matter when all I ever wanted was simple: to have someone who will stay with me amidst my randomness, bipolar mood swings and foolishness.
But that's just one of the many things I have to think through. It's just but one of a thousand more of my fears and anxieties that I'm living through every day of my life. This love matter would probably be the least of them, but it's its sting that brings the most of the pain right now. I know it will eventually fade, and I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that it only hurts because I'm trying to resist God's detour. Everything that's meant to happen will happen in the course of time. But right now, I know He's trying to redirect me to my priorities...He's trying really hard to hit me in the head. I guess He just did this morning. I've been seeking something out of what matters most right now...probably because I needed air to breathe. Everything's just been so out of hand lately and I was grabbing another thing. It's all about me. It has always been about me. This time, I know again. This time.
So I guess emotions don't always cloud logic. Sometimes, they bring me right where logic should be.
Good Morning emotions. Good Morning, indeed.
