The Chase and All The Hooplas: A Decision

22 years ago, i was making noise- a cry for wanting so much more.

I remember back in a college summer break when my mom and I sat down on our dining table after a long day of chores. She started telling me how she could reminisce a few years back when she had no one to help her with the chores. She had to do everything. Living in a half-urbanized province, we had to keep up with everything. And hearing me cry, asking for milk, wasn't of any help at all.

photo from Russian.net

nostalgia cuts: Whenever mom and i watch a television commercial of formula milks with do much alphabets in them that make a child smarter, we'd often laugh. One time, mom told me, 'e hindi naman totoo yan! ikaw nga nu'n Am* lang, e matalino pa rin naman.' (translation: that's not even true! You only had Am before but that didn't keep you from being smart.) see. i'm that special.



*Am is the broth you get while cooking rice. :D and that's my 'milk'.

A few years later, being a creative kid wasn't considered such a gift either considering that i'd always use all the crayons i'll get a hold of to color every piece of paper (book, notebook, used or unused coupon bonds, etc.). Actually, one of the most memorable moments of my life was when a grade school friend of mine went to our house and she brought with her, her 64 piece crayola set. It was crazy because it even had sharpeners, extra pencils and all that stuff! One day, when mom was getting ready to go out to the market, I begged her to buy me one just like it. The next thing i knew, i was crying.

Of course she didn't buy 'em.

The built-in sharpener thingy drove me crazy.

The crayons were just one of a lot of stuff i wanted when I was a kid. I wanted an aquarium, sweet ol' Gerber, new cassette tapes, Play Doh, Lego, Polly pockets, coloring books, water colors, paints, brick games- and more. I've always been scolded whenever i asked for these. And it's probably one of the reasons why for a certain span of time, i sort of believed that asking for something was actually a bad thing. That i'd just get what i deserved to get. So i got myself convinced that i just had to deal with the old cassette tapes and vinyls of James Taylor, Abba, Bob Dylan, Frank Sinatra and all those artists who are, well, no longer breathing. I actually believed that gadgets are for people who didn't have enough space in their backyard to play with. So i spent my summers running over our muddy rice fields, catching frogs and toads, hunting for spiders, making our own toy gun with wet news paper as bullets and playing house with grass and a variety of colorful leaves to cook. Then, i would dream that someday, everything's going to be so much more.

my buddies! and my co-bullies.

Now that i look back, it actually sounds fun. Very probinsya. But as a kid who believed that I was missing a lot, it wasn't. Especially when i had to go back to school and my classmates would have new shoes, new crayons, new EVERYTHING...it's not very cool to have all my old stuff in my old bag. Honestly, i realized that to save myself from being ridiculed, i actually became a bully. I befriended the boys in our class, and a few cool girls. Very few actually. Just because I had to be a part of something stronger. (yes, i am both manipulative and mean. haha) It's a very vivid memory which makes me chuckle every now and then.

It was until my Dad finally had a big break in his career as a Civil Engineer in a european company that our lives started to change. We finally had more. Actually, we'd often say that our youngest sibling, Mike, was the luckiest because he actually didn't experience having so much trouble- he had new stuff every school year, he had Gerber which was cool for us back then, he had abundant formula milk, new clothes- and mom cooked whatever he wanted to eat! It was either because he was the youngest, he was the only boy or his timing was just perfect. Though I only get to see Dad during weekends because he has to work in The Fort, which is a 5 to 6-hour drive from home, I know that it's part of the sacrifices a father has to make to provide the best for his family.

Now, everything's better. So much better.

a gold and golds in the making.

And i realized that everything i experienced or didn't experience created a big part of what i want to be, have and do in the very near future. Looking back, though i believed for the longest time that i had less than the rest of the people i knew, i now know that I actually had more of my childhood. I was trained to be a fighter, to make the most out of the very few things, to create something bigger. I had to be strong... because we'll never know when it's all going to rumble to how everything's supposed to be- which is definitely so much better than how it is now. I thank God He gave me so much even without me asking. (He's that thoughtful!)

Though technically, we still don't have everything we want. And i believe, this time, it's me. It pushes me to strive for more. I've always believed that I'm special, that i'm meant for something greater. And i think everybody deserves more than they think they do. I mean, so much more! Which is why when I finally found myself an opportunity that's slowly changing my life, i just had to thank God everyday for bringing me such a huge blessing. It was one of the toughest decisions i had to make, and right now, I believe it's the best decision I've made ever.

But of course, chasing dreams is never easy. We run. It's not something we wait for- it's something we run our lives for. So what if it's hard? Letting every dream go is harder than running after it. If you let it go without a fight, it'll haunt you with what if's...the pain will never go away; but doing everything you can to chase it, it'll lead you to something...much better from where you were. You just have to decide if the misery from just letting everything go will always be worse than pursuing it.

on a cocktail party for a cause with my best bud.

And I've been running for such a long time, 

and the last thing I could ever probably do is to stop until every bit of it has become worth it.

22 years later since i was born, i was still making a lot of hooplahs and blah blahs. This time, it's not a cry of wanting- it's a cry of knowing i'll get it, and i'll definitely get there.